The Dynamic Shows Ever Bein' Gave.

I got into the cult of 'J&H Productions Guy' a few years ago and I feel it's mandatory listening for all. There's a pretty good site devoted to J&H so I won't get too in-depth. However I will take a moment to identify these audio clips as symbolic of the type of thing that keeps me going spiritually.

I was walking with my friend Michael down Hudson Street in TriBeCa on a lunch break a couple of summers ago when he had a mini-epiphany: a common thread running through all of his friendships was an appreciation of the absurd. I felt the same, but I think it goes deeper than we realized that day.

I think what links Michael to me, etc., is not just an appreciation of the absurdity of human nature but also a deep, unequivocal acceptance and appreciation for its place in the world and for the people (and animals) who embody it. Even when the joke's on us. It's how I lived through the past several years of depression.

It's in this spirit that I present J&H Productions Guy: wonderfully deluded, perhaps clinically, yet with a true zest for life!

J&H Productions: (part 1) (part 2)

Sample quote:

"I would like for a respond to J&H Productions pertaining to these shows that will be giving inside and outside as for as the coliseums that he gave you a picture of on the paper, and he would like for J&H Productions and the labels to give shows together in these places."

Afro Ninja.

Afro Ninja: "Humh."
*Backflip goes terribly wrong.*
*Afro Ninja attempts graceful segue into nunchucks*
Woman 1: (off camera) Oh my god are you OK?
Woman 2: (off camera) "No. He's not."
Afro Ninja: No, I'm ok.
Woman 1: Are you sure?
Afro Ninja: "Yeah, I'm aiight."
Man with Fresh Braidz: "Sit down, sit down, stay down, don't try to stand up."
Afro Ninja: "Sorry."

Subaru Lesbians.

In early 1990, my mom's best friend bought a brand new Subaru Legacy station wagon. She had short hair and a golden retriever. I just got my driver's permit a few months before and Nancy was cool enough to offer me the keys for a spin around my shitty hometown of Concord, California. When she pulled into the driveway I ran out only to be face-raked: the Subaru had a stick-shift. Oh well.

Subaru-driving lesbians proliferated throughout the 90's and into this decade, and I started to wonder what it was about lesbians that compelled them drive these cars. It started to bother me. Was the Subaru an advertisement of sexual disposition or a subconscious coincidence?

I wondered the same about short hair and comfy shoes, golf clubs, high-waisted jeans, big dogs, polar fleece and precious acoustic music. Having lived in the lesbian-havens of Minneapolis, Seattle and now Portland, Maine1, I've felt like these cues are heavy-handed subtexts: passive-aggressive and, well, offensive.2 Moreover, a notion of wagon-circling, if you will, is implied, equivalent to pickup-truck ownership being mandatory suburban-macho accoutrement. I get that this perceived cliquishness may all just be a backlash to repression, but still...

Recently, this Washington Post article from back in 2000 made me realize that there is no subtext afoot:

"Coincidentally or not, the Subaru-lesbian connection seems to have spread throughout the car-buying lesbian community. 'We call [Subarus] Lesbarus,' said Pam Derderian, CEO and principal partner of Do Tell Inc., a gay niche marketing firm that created the Rainbow Card program."

(Subaru was a founding sponsor of the Rainbow Endowment, whose Visa Rainbow Card has raised more than $1.5 million for health, civil rights and cultural causes.)

I found more clarification here, where I was surprised to read as the opening line of Subaru president Rick Lociano's annual address to his dealers in 2004:

"O Forester! O Forester! It is as if thou hast dropped from heaven itself onto the Island of Lesbos!"

Further, the entire keynote was campy to the max:

"A crack team of psychoanalysts worked non-stop with top-tier engineers to design a body shape that breathes 'rugged utilitarian frumpiness' while avoiding the obvious pitfalls of what I call 'overphalluscizing'. In a stroke of genius, one of my junior marketing execs suggested that dealers add a deluxe dog cage at no extra charge. And we did it all at a price that even a substitute P.E. teacher can afford.

Then there were the Subaru print ads with taglines like: "Get Out. And Stay Out.", "It's Not a Choice. It's the Way We're Built." and the most provocative: "Likes to be Driven Hard and Put Away Wet."

Ironically, now that I know the Lesbaru phenomenon is merely the result of willful marketing, it seems less nefarious and even a little bit light-hearted. See? Writing can be therapeutic.

End Notes:

1. My girlfriend insists that the majority of Subaru-driving women here in Portland are not gay, but rather "rugged New Englanders" who happen to also wear polar fleece, LHBs, and high-waisted jeans. Let's just say it's probably no coincidence that there is a history of L.L. Bean Edition Subarus. Bonus factoid: L.L.Bean has a Subaru Edition women's 'fitness fleece' pullover!
2. In the way I seem to be offended by other 1-way communications like bumper stickers and these fucking hats.
   

Irony Kilt the Seatards.

Utilikilts were the bane of my existence when I lived in Seattle. I swear to motherfucking god these things actually exist, and in numbers. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on such an easy target. But man did they PISS ME OFF!

I had to laugh at this guy's page (entitled "Utilikilts are Stupid and Dumb"), which shows several photos of Utilikilts in the wild. If you think the official photo (above) is cringe-worthy, you ain't seen nuthin' yet!

Oh, and the best quote from that site I just linked to?

"If you ever see someone wearing a Utilikilt, do what I do and make him feel as shitty as possible."

Adventures of the B77 Bus.

The B77 winds through the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Red Hook and Park Slope. Along the way, it crosses the Gowanus Canal, you know, where the mob has been dumping bodies for around a century. On my way to work, the bus got stuck when the Gowanus started to overflow into 9th street

At around 45 seconds into the video, you can see the bus driver next to me, having abandoned his post, high and dry in the raised back section of the flooding bus. He said nothing to anyone the whole time. The passengers were interacting, however; one of those rare, beautiful moments of New Yorker camaraderie.

Ken Create.

CLICK TO PLAY VIDEO
For better or for worse, I’m responsible for Ken Create’s fame. A friend in my office was sent this video. He passed it around the office and I uploaded it to iFilm and VH1 selected him for their viral video Web Junk 20 TV show. The host was pretty harsh.

Contrary to popular belief, the tape is not old (2002). Or ironic. This video is also on archive.org where Ken himself comments:

I am Ken Create and welcome to my world of modern dance> I'm glad you like the video. If you would like to order one, or to just contact me you can do so directly. My phone number is *82(973)595-7359. I live in Paterson, NJ and the video was shot by the folks at Innovative Marketing, located in Wyckoff, NJ By Bill Hennessey.

If you would like more information, please contact Justin Style @ (201) 444-6267

I called the number and spoke to Ken, who said he found out about his bizarre fame when a friend called demanding he switch on VH1. To my surprise, Ken's thick Jersey accent and poor grammar were as intense as in the video and he betrayed not an ounce of irony. He earnestly explained that the phone number in the video was for an old cell phone that was stolen from his car and that he hopes people will find his new phone number in the archive.org comments.

I didn't let on that I helped to give him his little boost. Instead I mentioned that we might need his services for an office party. He quickly sent me a "press pack" free of charge, though initially he wanted $20. It included an 8x10 glossy signed photo, his full video reel on a VHS tape, and, for some reason, a complete listing of every Ken Create performance ever. The list dates back to the 80's and includes a special section for Ken's nursing home performances.

I go back and forth about whether I was cruel to Ken. Regardless, I'll be happy to scan and post Ken's press pack and full reel if there's interest.

SEE: KEN CREATE PART 2

Holy Christ.

"Reverend X" is perhaps the greatest potty-mouthed preacher I've ever seen.